Blood and Water
by AWildeRomantic
Summary: All it started as was a desire to care for Cassandra, yet every day it turns to more and more. Now I have to stop before it all slips away. This is the story that tells itself,the story of betrayal and change and things ultimately gained.
1. Jigsaw Puzzle

A/N – All I'm gonna say on the subject of pairings: There are some in here. I won't say what ones. I'm being a rebel. Also the story is sorta writing itself, so I don't know where it's headed. 

Now, the two non-canon Stargate characters, Dean and Ravyn. Dean is my own, so if you wanna borrow him, please ask me first. I really love him dearly. Ravyn I borrowed from the movie "Sublime" (Which is really good, I'd recommend it if you like psychological horror movies). The scene where Sam meets her is also from the same movie.

* * *

Chapter 1: Jigsaw Puzzle

I'm pushing open the front door. Its difficult with my helmet tucked under one arm and the grocery bag held tightly in my other hand, but then Cassie's there taking the bag from me.

"I've got it, Sam!" She grins and hurries it into the kitchen, giving me a second to check my hair in the hall mirror. Rumpled helmet head; just what I expected. In the kitchen Cassie's taking the frozen pizza and soda out of the bag. She wrinkles her nose. "Why couldn't we just order out?"

"This is cheaper. And I think your mom'll have less of a fit about it." I'm over at the stove, turning it on and then unwrapping the pizzas. Two of them, just because I know how much a teenager can eat and I'll probably eat the same amount.

Cassie leans on the counter, watching me. I look up and we grin at each other. This is how most nights go when I'm babysitting. Tonight Janet had to look after SG-3 who ran into some mutant porcupines, and I have to look after the alien brat who's just surreptitiously pulled a mega-sized bag of skittles out of the bottom of the grocery bag.

"Drop the candy and no one gets hurt!" It's for my own private stash. Cassie knows that and grins cheekily at me as she sets the bag down.

Janet gets home later that night; a lot later. So late that I'm sitting on the couch watching some old Godzilla movie on cable, where it looks like whoever was in charge of dubbing just said "Fuck it!" and gave up trying to make the words match with the mouth movements.

Janet's tired. I can tell by the way she sort of collapses on the other end of the couch. We exchange the obligatory "Thanks" "Anytime" "See you tomorrow" and I'm standing up and heading out the door. It's dark and cold outside but I don't really care. I speed home to my own bed, my own couch, my own channels with the Godzilla movies.

* * *

Its two weeks until Janet needs me to be the emergency stand in babysitter again.

"I just need you to be home when Cassie gets back from hanging out with her friends," Janet says, rushing around and trying to get her medical team under control. "Make dinner, make sure she does any homework." She grins for a moment. "Spoil her rotten the way you always do."

I give the petite CMO a salute and head towards the door of the infirmary. "Only cus it's expected of me, Doc."

I don't really mind that Cassie's not there when I get to the house. It's quiet, which is a nice difference from the SGC today. Two teams came in hot with Jaffa on their sixes and the casualties weren't pretty.

I think I'll order pizza tonight. Janet shouldn't mind and I'm way too tired to make anything.

The couch looks inviting, and I lay down in the late afternoon sun, stretching out on my back and not even bothering to turn on the TV as I tuck one arm behind my head and drift off to sleep. It lasts only an hour before I hear a noise and open my eyes a bit.

Cassie's home, and she's got another girl with her. This other girl is a little taller than Cassie, about my height, actually, with long black hair that's currently pulled up, and pale, pale skin, which makes me think that black is obviously not her natural color. I don't think they even notice I'm there.

I watch with slight confusion through my still half-asleep mind as Cassie backs into the living room, her hands around the other girl's wrists. They giggle madly and the other girl takes a step forward and their lips smoosh together, hands falling apart to draw bodies closer. One of Cassie's legs moves to curl around the other girl's and I clear my throat a little.

"Sam!" Cassie holds her composure miraculously as they both turn to face me. "You're…awake…"

"I hope not." I sit up, looking at them. _Just be glad it wasn't your mom, Cass._

Cassie awkwardly puts a hand on the other girl's back, pushing her forward. "Sam this is Ravyn…with a 'y'."

"Hey, Ravyn with a 'y'," I say, smiling at the other girl. She looks like an oversized fairy. Especially with the tight fitting shirt and short skirt. I've got half a mind to call her gothic-Tinkerbell and get it over with.

There's a long awkward silence where we all stare at each other.

"Cass, you want to go order pizza for us?" I ask, including Ravyn in my sweeping gesture.

Cassie nods and bobs into the dinning room. Ravyn looks at me.

"You in the air force too? Like Cass' mom?" she asks casually. This girl obviously isn't shy around adults like some teenagers are.

I nod, trying to not make a big show of it so she won't ask too many questions. "Yep. Haven't done active duty in a while though."

"That's cool." Ravyn perches on the arm of the couch. "My brother's in the marines."

I snort. SG-3 pops into my head with their asses full of mutant porcupine quills. "I know some marines."

There's another moment of silence. Then, "so you fly airplanes?"

"Theoretically," I lean back against the couch and Cassie comes back in to sit on the floor near me. "I'm more of a scientist though. Deep-space radar telemetry."

"Like Jodie Foster in 'Contact'," Ravyn nods appreciatively. Smart girl.

We eat dinner then the girls vanish off for a little while. I pretend to think that they're up in Cassie's room gossiping about other kids in their class or maybe out in the backyard taunting the boys who live next door. Ravyn leaves eventually. She's got her own car parked outside.

"She's not in your class, is she?" I ask when Cassie comes back inside.

The girl shakes her head. "Nah she's graduated already. I met her at those classes I go to at the YMCA."

I'm looking at Cassie and trying to tell her what I'm thinking by the sheer force of my mind. I can see her cave in.

"You're not going to tell Mom, are you?"

I blink innocently. "Tell her what?"

"Saaamm…"

"Cassie." I give her a hard look. "I'm not going to tell your mom and even on the off chance I did, I doubt she would care."

"She would too…Ravyn's older than me."

"So?"

"So…yeah…Mom would probably think we're doing drugs together."

"As oppose to…?"

Cassie rolls her eyes, tossing a lock of long brown hair out of her face. "I'm going to bed, Sam."

"Alright, sleep tight, Cass."

She grunts, and stops halfway to the stairs to give me a brief smile. Then she's gone and I'm stretching out on the couch again.

I suddenly knew what my father had probably felt like back then, a year after my mother had died, when he'd walked into my room to find me and my 'friend' Becca passionately making out on my bed. The fact that Becca was extremely hot made up for the fact that General Carter gave me the lecture of a lifetime that night.

I sigh heavily; it was just another thing to tear my incredibly dysfunctional family apart.

* * *

"I really owe you for looking after Cassie," Janet says. Its late one evening and we're sitting shoulder to shoulder in one of the labs, studying a sample of biotechnology that one of the teams brought back. It's not very interesting.

"I like doing it."

Janet closes the lid of the case we're looking at and takes off her rubber gloves with a snap. "I know, but I want to pay you back."

"If I ever have kids you can baby sit them."

"Oh-ho," Janet's dark eyebrows shoot up. "Something you've been working on?"

I pull off my gloves, though only to throw them at the doctor. She giggles and ducks. "No! You could always take me out for dinner."

"Sure. What do you like?"

"Steak."

"Go figure." Janet's taking her lab coat off and I think my eyes linger a little too long as she works the buttons undone, down her chest, over breasts and stomach…She looks up suddenly and I hope she hasn't caught me staring. "Sam? I think we should call it a day."

She mistook my hesitation for reluctance to leave our work. I shake my head. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just in my work mode."

"Lets go out tonight then," Janet suggests as we walk out into the hall, making sure the door to the lab closes firmly behind us. "There's a place on the edge of town that hardly anybody knows about and they've got great American food…best fries in the world…"

With the thought of delicious, deep-fried American goodness in my mind I promise to meet Janet at her house in an hour. She leaves me with the order to "dress fun", whatever that means.

I take it for tight pants and boots and a black tank top under my leather jacket. I slap on a little tasteful makeup, just for that added bit of fun. Fifteen minutes later Janet's climbing into the passenger seat of the car, looking adorable with her hair down and flare legged jeans under a light blue top.

"No bike?" she sounds a little disappointed.

"Brakes are acting up," I reply, pulling away from the curb. "So where is this place?"

It's a small roadhouse style restaurant with a mob of motorcycles outside. We go in and I seep myself in the country music and smell of tobacco. People of all shapes and sizes fill the booths and the bar, groups of girls in tiny shorts and too tight shirts, men with tattoos all up and down their arms and some looking like they're trying to drown themselves in the small shot of whiskey sitting before them.

It could be the set from a movie, and I love it.

Janet and I slip into one of the last unoccupied booths and pull menus out from behind a diner style chrome napkin holder. I scan the list of entrees then look up to see Janet's reaction.

She flashes me a crooked smile. "Dr. Fraiser is currently back at the base having a nice green salad and cup of tea."

"Good." I chuckle to myself and tell the waitress that I'll have a diet-coke.

Two juicy steaks and heaping stacks of fries later and we're both feeling satisfied. Things are going so perfectly that we cave in and split a piece of apple pie. I make a silent promise to work out extra on Saturday.

Some people are dancing now, their previously nervous minds put at ease by copious amounts of liquor. Janet kicks me under the table.

"I dare you." She indicates the other girls who are dancing.

My eyes widen. "No!"

"How about if I buy you a few drinks?"

It isn't until a couple of young men in cowboy boots come over and ask us to dance that I finally get up off my ass. And this is after the promised drinks from Janet.

And then, dear lord, someone has switched the jukebox to "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" by Trace Adkins. I can feel myself blushing.

"C'mon, honey, this song is perfect for you!" Janet shouts to me and I stick my tongue out.

"Your friend's right, you know." My dance partner has liquid chocolate eyes and a gorgeous smile. "I'm Dean."

"Sam." The music picks up and I somehow find myself pressing my back against him as our bodies move to the beat. Normally if any guy got this close to me I'd give him a sharp kick in the nuts, but…this night is supposed to be fun, so I give my hips a jerk so my ass presses tantalizingly against him. Dean laughs and his arms encircle my waist. And I'm actually enjoying this…those drinks must have been stronger than I'd thought…

I find it amusing when he starts singing along, low in my ear in a perfect imitation of Trace Adkins.

The next song is slower and I turn around, draping my arms around Dean's shoulders. A quick look at Janet shows that she's enjoying herself as well, and she meets my gaze and gives me a broad smile.

"So what do you do, Sam?" Dean asks. "Wait…don't tell me…" I feel his eyes traveling from my short hair down to my muscular arms. "Personal trainer?"

I snort. "Air force."

"No kidding!"

"Nope. So that's Major Carter to you."

"Yes Ma'am!"

His friend who's dancing with Janet has to leave, but Dean joins Janet and me as we head back to the bar for another drink. Well, I'm having another drink. Janet seems to have asserted herself as the designated driver.

I'm talking to Dean when I catch a tone of anger in Janet's voice. Turning around abruptly I see her talking to another man at the bar, maybe a little older than Dean. Janet seems to know him.

"Aw, come on, Janet you don't have to give _me _the cold shoulder." I hear the man drawl.

Dean seems to have picked up that's something's wrong as well. I feel his hand rest lightly on my side.

Janet's scowling at the other man. "Oh, don't you claiming to be any better than he was, because you sure as hell aren't."

"Now that's no way for a lady to talk." The man is leaning on the bar with one elbow. He reminds me of a cat playing with a mouse; only _this_ mouse is really a fierce tigress in disguise.

"You above all people should know I ain't no lady." Janet turns to me after this outburst and grabs my arm. " C'mon, Sam, let's go."

"Oh, hey, is that the dyke you dumped Edward for?"

The tigress turns around, growling. "Excuse me?"

Luckily Dean seems to have heard this last comment and steps in, going chest to chest with the man. "Hey, man, lay off!"

"And you're supposed to be…who?"

It's one of those awkward moments when everyone in the near vicinity has stopped what they're doing to watch. Dean seems calm…cool as a cucumber as they say…and the other guy appears a little intimidated by this.

"I'm a friend," Dean replies. "Now leave the ladies in peace, and stop resorting to childish name calling."

The man turns away and Dean walks with us out to the parking lot.

"So I take it you know that guy?" he asks Janet. We're at my car now, but standing in a little circle behind the trunk.

"Friend of my ex-husband," Janet replies. She looks glum, then suddenly her face lights up in a smile as she looks at me. "But I refuse to let him ruin a perfectly wonderful night!"

"That's the spirit!" Dean looks down at his watch. "I should get going…I've got work in the morning."

Janet smirks and grabs the car keys from me, heading over to the driver's side. I'm about to turn away as well, but suddenly Dean's hand is on my arm.

"Hey Sam." The words blend together. Heysam.

I turn around, giving him a smile. Dean seems awkward. But he wears "awkward" and all other emotions adorably.

"I'd like to get to know you more," he says finally, his eyes wide and hopeful. Liquid chocolate, shining in the moonlight.

I grin. "I'll give you my number." There's a scrap of paper in my pocket and a pencil stub. As I hand the paper with my number on it to Dean he scoops my hand up in his and kisses the back of it. I feel myself involuntarily blushing.

"I'll talk to you later, Sam." With a wave he's off, heading towards a red convertible on the other side of the aisle.

"Did you have fun?" Janet turns to me in the car as we're driving back to her place.

I nod sleepily. "Tons of it. I almost forgot that I have to be going off-world day after tomorrow to fight aliens."

Janet throws her head back and laughs, a joyous, free sound that reminds me more of a wild horse than a tiger. "I told you it's good to be normal sometimes!"

I'm slipping down in the seat, the after effects of the alcohol and all that dancing finally catching up to me. "Indeed." I murmur as my eyes close. The last thing I hear is Janet laughing softly.


	2. The Gift of Game

Chapter 2: The Gift of Game

It's almost a week later and Dean's been calling irregularly. He works for a landscaper and his hours seem to be on and off but I don't mind, it's nice to talk to someone and not have to discuss the Goa'uld. But it's hard because I don't want to hurt him.

Janet seems to be all smiles and sunshine lately and for some reason this worries me. For some reason it seems fake. I ask Cassie about it but she just shrugs and goes back to painting her nails.

Black. Black nails and fishnet sleeves. I wonder if this is Ravyn's doing.

I meet Dean one night at a burger joint for dinner. He's just got off work and is covered in dust and sweat but is happy to see me. I like him because he's made it clear he's happy just being friends. Even though I'm wearing a low cut shirt I think the boy behind the counter stared at my cleavage more than Dean has.

We talk about how our days have gone. Or he talks about how _his_ day has gone. I make up something about monitoring telescopes. He asks about Janet. I reveal a few precious details of my life to him. My father, my brother…I even show off a couple photos of my niece and nephew.

Dean has an older sister, he says, who's too rich for her own good and constantly telling him how to live his life.

The evening ends with a friendly hug and a sweet wish from him to me for pleasant dreams.

My heart aches for this guy because I don't want to hurt him, but know I will eventually.

* * *

Daniel thinks it's good that I'm seeing someone who doesn't work at the SGC. We're working on something together in his lab…Actually Daniel's doing the working, I'm just sitting there telling him about my life and eating from a bowl of grapes on the desk. I value this time we have together. Daniel's always been like a little brother to me.

It's strange to remind myself that he's actually a couple years older than I am. I sigh, popping another grape into my mouth and pondering what it's like being the baby of the group.

"How's Cassie doing? I haven't really heard from her lately."

I look at him and almost consider mentioning Ravyn, but I know that when Cassie said "don't tell Mom", she really meant "don't tell mom or anyone else".

"Cassie's doing good."

Daniel nods.

The door opens then and Colonel O'Neill comes in with a loud, "Carter, Danny, whatcha doin'?"

Daniel frowns up at him. _Jack, we're working._

The colonel grins. _Sorry guys. I'm bored._ He pulls up a chair and sits down.

"So what's this rumor I'm hearing that you're seeing a guy, Carter?" he asks, folding his arms and looking at me with raised eyebrows.

I know Daniel couldn't have told him. "Who told you that, sir?"

"Fraiser."

"Oh." Maybe I _won't_ be available to baby-sit the next time she asks.

"And?"

"And it's none of your business. It's not Janet's either."

Daniel snorts and Colonel O'Neill glares at him. After awhile the colonel seems to get bored with us as well and gets up to leave.

* * *

Despite being more than a little annoyed with Janet I agree to look after Cassie one night. But Janet ends up coming home halfway through dinner with the explanation that she didn't have as much work as she thought she did. Luckily Ravyn isn't there tonight.

We sit down to watch a movie later. My pick this time. "Pitch Black" with Vin Diesel just because I know it annoys Janet and Cassie hasn't seen it yet.

At the scene where the lead girl climbs into the hole in the ground Cassie grabs my arm and hisses, "Promise me you won't be that stupid off-world?"

I laugh and assure her I won't, especially if I'm stuck on a planet with man-eating nocturnal lizard creatures.

Then Cassie is sent reluctantly off to bed and Janet and I stay on the couch. The summer heat is beginning to set in, the cool spring nights turning to an impossibly sticky blackness that surrounds the world.

"I should be going," I say, standing up and yawning.

Janet stretches her legs out over the couch now that I'm not occupying it. She looks like a goddess with her auburn hair and dark eyes. "Let's go out tomorrow." She suggests. "Cassie has a sleep over."

"That place we went last time?" I ask hopefully. Janet had been right; their food was better than most places around town.

"Sure," Janet drapes her arm over the back of the couch and I'm suddenly fascinated with her slender fingers. "Tell Dean to come. It'll be fun."

But Dean has to go out of town for a few days and can't come, though I can tell by the tone of his voice that he wants to.

So it's just Janet and me this time, not there to look for boys but just to have fun. Girls' night out and no dancing this time, just giggling and talking. This time no one interrupts us and this time I don't drink because I brought my motorcycle and Janet doesn't know how to drive one.

She tells me that riding a motorcycle makes her think she's on the back of some great beast that's all raw iron muscles and hydraulic joints. She also says there's probably a Freudian explanation for the motorcycle but I don't press her for details on that one.

I drop Janet off at home and we exchange a friendly hug. I'm about to turn to leave but Janet stops me with a thoughtful glance.

"I had a dream about you last night," she says and I feel my pulse quicken. "You had a tattoo…right there…" She reaches behind me, pressing her fingers to the area between my shoulder blades. "Two little angel wings."

My eyes widen a little. "I don't really have one." But she knows that. She's seen me enough to know that I don't have any tattoos.

"I know." Janet grins and then says goodnight one more time.

The door clicks shut behind her and I head back to my bike. Tonight is warm and when I close my eyes for a brief moment I can hear angel wings fluttering in the breeze.

* * *

I like to draw. It's a little known talent of mine that I'm almost embarrassed to tell people about for some odd reason. I pride myself on drawing realistically, and love to draw people though very few will sit still long enough. Teal'c is the easiest subject; I just have to catch him while he's doing kel'no'reem.

I have yet to draw the colonel. I think it goes against his nature to sit still.

It's a sunny afternoon when Janet and I are sitting on her back patio. Hammond's given a lot of people off for the week and I'm taking the time to do absolutely nothing. Right now Janet has her nose stuck in a paperback novel and I try to be discrete as I pull my sketchbook out of my bag. She doesn't notice.

Staring down at the blank page my pencil hovers uncertainly. I glance up at the woman curled in the lawn chair in front of me. She's all curves and grace and unique beautiful expressions. The sun glints off her hair and I know I won't be able to capture that in a simple pencil drawing.

But I try anyway and when I'm done I'm quite happy with what I have. I show it to Janet and she smiles brightly.

"Sam that's really good! Since when are you an artist?"

I shrug. "Just a hobby."

"Along with motorcycles and astrophysics?" She closes her book and sets it on the table next to her, the one with a hole in the middle for an umbrella.

"Yup." I return my sketchbook and pencil to the bag then lean back in my chair, playfully setting my feet in Janet's lap. I expect her to push them away and make some comment about foot odor, but instead she begins absentmindedly massaging them while starting us on a conversation about Cassie's summer vacation.

"I was just so worried," Janet finally pushes my feet off her lap. I lean forward. "About Cass, I mean. That when she got older she wouldn't fit in with the other children. But she does and that makes me happy."

I nod. It's unimaginable; growing up in today's world and knowing that you're from another planet. I admire the girl greatly.

* * *

It had become, sometime when Cassie was growing up, a tradition that at least once a month I would join the Fraisers for dinner. It was a happy tradition that continued as Cassie grew up. Though as years passed she would more and more often have a friend over, putting a damper on any work related chatter between Janet and me.

Tonight Ravyn's there but Janet isn't. The problem with doctors is that they're always running off. I knew this before I set out but Cassie wanted me to come anyway and I love the girl. She's my daughter as much as she is Janet's and it's good, this sense of belonging to a family.

Cassie's tired though, when I arrive and she's sitting grouchily in front of the television. Ravyn, her hair in long thin braids, apologetically comes to help me get dinner ready.

"We were up late last night talking on the phone," Ravyn says by way of explanation.

I'm sitting at the table cutting up potatoes. Ravyn moves from her spot by the sink to stand next to me, setting the pot of water on the table. I barely notice the first time she runs her fingers through my hair. Then I look up, one eyebrow raised and a questioning look in my eyes.

Nope, this girl isn't shy at all.

"I like your hair." She smiles brightly, her eyes that are outlined in too much black widening. "It's silky."

I shake my head a little but she keeps touching my hair until I dump the potatoes into the pot. Then Cassie comes in and Ravyn's hand falls to her side, almost guiltily. I wonder, mostly at the fact that I'm in my thirties and she can't be more than nineteen, but maybe what I'm trying to tell myself is right and she really just does like the way my hair feels.

I manage to keep the incident at the back of my mind until the next week when we're off world. That's when I see the girl that looks like Ravyn, sitting outside a grass hut and gutting a fish. She, like the other villagers, looks up to give us a curious glance, but I stare at her far too long.

Teal'c is at my side with one great hand on my shoulder asking, "Major Carter are you unwell?"

But I'm fine and the girl has gone back to her task of gutting the fish. She just looks like one of Cassie's friends, I mumble, raising my P90 to defend against internal demons as I follow close on Colonel O'Neill's back.

* * *

Something's wrong, oh I know something's wrong when Janet looks so tired. I come into the infirmary and she's got bags under her eyes. Her lovely brown eyes that look upset.

"Janet what happened?" My hand stops a scalpel from falling from her fingers.

She shakes her head and her auburn hair bounces on her shoulders. "I didn't get much sleep last night…"

"Why?"

The sunshine smile suddenly breaks through the clouds. "Not now, Sam, honey, ok? I don't really want to talk about it here but I'll see you tonight?"

I find myself nodding.

It's a surprise when Janet shows up on my doorstep later that night. We sit on the back stoop, staring up at the summer sky and wrapping out arms around ourselves. Not that it's too cold.

"So why didn't you sleep?"

Janet digs the heels of her palms into her eyes, making a quiet, frustrated grunting noise. The same one she makes when a patient isn't recovering the way they're supposed to and she's mad at herself for it. "Dreams…too many thoughts chasing themselves around in my head."

"What dreams?" Now I'm curious. What bad dreams could keep the brave tigress awake?

Janet's looking at me now. "Dreams about you…"

"Angel wings on my back?"

"Sometimes," Janet shakes her head slowly, looking down at the ground and whispering her confession through only slightly parted teeth. "Sometimes it's me walking into your lab to find you with your back up against the wall so I can't see the wings and Colonel O'Neill or Dean is fucking you and making you moan…" There's something shining in her eyes and I can't quite identify it. "I'm sorry."

"Don't." I'm not quite sure what to say to this but I know I don't want her apologizing. Not for something that isn't her fault. "I wouldn't do that."

"Not in your lab." Janet's teeth are gritted, a grimace of pain that I never even knew was there. "Somewhere else though. I don't know why it bothers me…"

_Yes you do._

Her eyes close, dark lashes against her soft cheeks. _I know, Sam, but there's so much I can't tell you._

"Why this all of the sudden?" My voice quavers. I want to know what this is about but I don't want to hear it out loud.

_Then how should it be said?_ _In the big girl way with wet lips and hot tongues, the way you retreat whenever something happens?_

"Seeing that friend of Ed's…" Janet's breathing hard and I'm wondering if she's got asthma. "Brought back bad memories. Memories of a time when I was afraid to come home because I know what was waiting for me."

And she's looking up at me like a frightened little girl. So adorable, who could ever hurt her? I don't understand what's going on and I don't understand what she needs me to do.

_Yes you do._

Janet's standing up and pulling her jacket back on. "I'm not good at playing these games Sam. The only thing I ever do is push everyone else out and then fail myself."

I bite my lip, watching as she leaves. Give me a few days, Janet, please. Just give me a few days to sort this all out.


	3. Halcyon Abandoned

Chapter 3: Halcyon Abandoned

Things are changing far too fast. We lost an SG team today. Two men, two women. No one that I knew personally but I can still feel the grief that sweeps through the whole base. It's almost too much for everyone.

And Janet's bashing herself about it, even though they were dead before they even made it to the gate. I can see her throwing around the what-ifs and if-I'd-only-been-theres, the things that'll only make her feel worse.

But what do we tell the families?

I have my answer to Janet; my response to last night…but I know it's not the time. She's busy, making herself busy. I do the same, burying myself in my work and refusing Colonel O'Neill's invitation to come fishing with him.

The loss of SG-8 makes me think, as all losses do, about my own mortality. It's a grim idea, something that I spent so long muddling over after my mother had died.

"Would you be upset if I died?" I ask Dean. We're sitting outside a small ice cream stand sharing a sundae. It's a warm evening and the ice cream is melting fast.

Dean looks at me with a horrified expression. "What? Of course I'd be upset!"

"You hardly know me." I raise my eyebrows.

"Sure I do," he replies, spooning up some ice cream. "We've been seeing each other for over a month now." Dean's expression softens as he looks up at me. "What brought this on?"

"I can't say…it's classified…" I say quietly. "Let's just say some people I work with were killed."

Dean's reaction surprises me. He leans back suddenly, putting his hands to his forehead. "Shit, I can't do this anymore…"

"What?"

He sits forward again, looking at me with a strange expression on his face. "SG-8 was killed in action today. They encountered Jaffa activity on P97-468. Do I need to continue?"

"You lied to me!"

"Deep space radar telemetry? Sounds like I wasn't the only one avoiding the truth," he shakes his head then reaches out to stop me as I stand up. "Sam, wait!"

"What, did you not know who I was?!" I'm feeling shocked and betrayed and a million other things that I don't even have a word for. And only a small fraction of it has anything to do with Dean.

"Of course I did." He's so calm. So unbearably calm. "You're a member of SG-1, how could I not?"

I know there's sheer desperation in my voice as I cry, "Then why didn't you say anything?"

"Samantha, please…" He's rubbing his thumb slowly over the back of my hand, and it seems to have a profound calming effect on me. "Look," Dean continues slowly. "I work for the CIA…I'm only at the SGC a couple days a week. I'm doing a highly classified investigation on one of the personnel. All these things I just told you, if anyone finds out I'll probably loose my job."

"Why couldn't you say anything about it? I've got some of the highest security clearance it's possible to have…"

"This isn't about security clearance."

Ice water is suddenly pumping through my veins as realization dawns on me. "You're investigating someone on SG-1?"

"Sam," he holds one hand up in a gesture of surrender. But it's not me he's surrendering to, it's some other force out there, whatever one is pulling his strings. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry."

My head falls to the table, landing on my folded arms. Threads. Threads of spider's silk tangling together into a web so thick there's no escape. Eyes. Eyes everywhere and always watching so you're like a rabbit trying to hide in holes that are big enough for the cat to get in. My shoulders are shaking as I cry, cry for SG-8 and for Janet and for whatever innocence I'd seen in my relationship with Dean and Cassie who isn't so innocent anymore either.

Dean's hand is on my back and I know he's sitting next to me. "Sam…Sam please don't…Oh god I'm sorry…"

"It's ok," I look up at him and I'm brushing tears off my face. "It's not your fault…"

"I didn't want to screw things up, Sam," I'm surprised to see tears in his eyes as he hands me a tissue to dry my own eyes. "I really didn't…Oh fuck…" he laughs a little, rubbing his fingers over his eyes. "I cry too easily."

I'm feeling a little more in control now and smile slightly. "No, no one cries too easily."

Dean smiles and then everything wrong vanishes into the night. "That's what I'd do if you died."

"Huh?"

"I'd cry. I'd cry until everything inside me was all shriveled up."

I could point out to him that that is impossible to do, but I don't. Instead my heart is pounding because I know what the next thing out of his lips is going to be and I'm praying for him not to say it. I'm praying because I know it'll only make things harder on everyone. Everyone.

"I like you, Sam. I really do."

Don't say it.

"I hope I didn't completely ruin things now."

My words come out as a sigh of relief. "You didn't. Really. I'm just going through rough times."

"Ok." Dean takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm here for you if you need it." We get up and walk back to our cars, loosely holding hands like children. When we reach his car he turns and says with a sad smile, "I'll come find you next time I'm on the base. Promise."

I nod and he's getting into his car and driving off into the night, leaving behind the promise that we'll see each other real soon.

* * *

Things settle down. They always do. I think Janet's avoiding me, either that or she's so caught up in her work that Dr. Fraiser won't let go. When she slows down it's to spend a few minutes at lunch with me.

"If I can just make it through this last bit of work I swear I'm going to be fine," she says, nudging a limp piece of lettuce with her fork. "I just need to make it through this last bit."

"You need me to watch Cass tonight?" I ask. Blue jell-o slips off my spoon to land with a soft plop back in the bowl. I recapture it, waiting for Janet's response.

"If it isn't too much trouble…" The relief spills across her face like a tidal wave. "I just need a couple extra hours to finish some paperwork…"

"No problem." I smile my brightest smile, trying to feed some of Janet's sunshine back into her. "I'll be there when she gets home from school. I can bring my laptop and finish my mission reports at your place…no big deal…"

Janet rewards me with a smile and light touch on my hand. "Thank you."

As promised I'm there when Cassie gets home from school. Ravyn is with her and I wonder if the girl has permanently moved in with them.

"Yeah, Mom got a hold of me in school and said you'd be here," Cassie drops her backpack on the chair in the living room and gives me a quick hug. "Don't know why she thinks I still need a babysitter."

I don't miss a beat. "Because you can't cook."

"I can order pizza." Cassie replies.

"Do you have homework?" She just gives me _that_ look so I put on my best stern face. "Cass, I'll start dinner and you work on your homework."

"But…Ravyn…"

"…Can help me with dinner or help you with your homework."

Ravyn laughs a fairy-laugh and walks over to me. "I'll help with dinner."

The girls exchange a taunting look, full of mischief and hidden teenage language. But Cassie settles down at the dinning room table and Ravyn follows me into the kitchen.

As I begin picking through the cabinets, however, I get a strange feeling that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

I turn and see Ravyn is standing next to me. "Jesus!" I jump. "I thought you were still…" I look over where she was standing a moment ago by the kitchen door. There's something about this girl that puts me on edge.

"Sorry." Ravyn takes a step closer to me. One glance at her eyes and I have to look away. She must be wearing contact lenses; no one's eyes are _that_ blue naturally.

"Ravyn." I say through partially gritted teeth, my gaze holding a spot on the floor just to her left.

Ravyn's hand comes up to lightly touch my hair and I have the strongest urge to push it away. "I love your hair." She whispers.

It alarms me that I can feel her breath on my face. She's too close and I've only realized it a second too late. Then I make the mistake of closing my eyes; a simple reaction to try and give whatever's happening a chance to stop and for the world to right itself again.

Her lips touch mine and I'm taken by surprise so much that I don't even pull away. Then Ravyn's lips are no longer touching mine, they're pressing and I seem to snap out of whatever spell I was under.

My arm comes up across her chest, pushing her back and away from me. I'm about to demand what the hell she was doing when I happen to look over and see Cassie standing open mouthed in the doorway.

Oh fuck.

"You bitch!" Cassie's propelling herself across the kitchen towards Ravyn.

My arm that isn't holding Ravyn away from me comes out to stop Cassie before she reaches the other girl. My brain seems to have stopped functioning, and all I can think of is to keep the two girls apart.

"Cassandra!" I hear myself saying.

"You fucking whore!" Cassie's screaming at Ravyn now, her voice echoing off the walls of the kitchen. "Get out! Get out I never want to see you again!"

I move, shifting so I'm still between them as Ravyn makes her dramatic exit amongst Cassie's screams. Cassie follows Ravyn, making sure the front door slams shut behind her. Then Cassie turns and slaps me across the face as hard as she can.

"Fuck you, Sam!" She bellows, pushing me out of her way as she moves aimlessly into the hall. "Fuck you…I think I'm going to be sick…"

I find her moments later crouching in the bathroom, wiping at her face with a washcloth as tears stream down her cheeks. I feel my heart breaking right there.

Cassie looks up at me, appearing lost and confused and frightened. She's been reduced now to the little girl we found on the abandoned planet so many years ago. "What was that, Sam? What the hell was that?!"

I crouch down slowly, moving as close as I dare to her. Cassie just glares and slaps me again.

"Cassandra Fraiser if you hit me one more time-!" I sound like Janet, and maybe that's what gets Cassie to stop. It takes a lot of self-control for me to not respond to the burning pain on my cheek.

"I hate you." Cassie grumbles, curling up.

"Cass, it wasn't my fault." This must be an alternate reality. This cannot actually be happening. I'm not sitting on the bathroom floor telling my "daughter" that it wasn't my fault her girlfriend kissed me. This can't be real.

"Why would she do that?" Cassie looks vulnerable again and I hold one arm out to her. She comes to me, resting her head on my shoulder. "Why?"

"I don't know, sweetheart, I really don't…"

Cassie clings to me for a moment and I know she's crying, so I gently rub her back and kiss the top of her head.

"I'm sorry," she whispers finally.

"It's ok," I reply, putting my hands on her shoulders and sitting her upright. "You've been hurt, sweetheart, it's ok to be upset."

I send Cassie upstairs to lie down for a while. I have every intention of making dinner while she's resting, but somehow instead I end up on the couch. That's how Janet finds me a while later.

"Sam?" I know she can tell something's wrong.

"I didn't make dinner yet, sorry," I whisper.

A lamp clicks on and Janet kneels next to the couch. "Sam what happened to your face? It looks like someone hit you."

"Yeah," a bitter laugh inexplicably escapes my lips. "Yeah, Cassie did."

Janet comes close to exploding. "WHAT?!"

"Janet, there's a reason!" My hand is on her arm, easing her down to the couch next to me. "You know her friend Ravyn?"

"I don't like that girl." Janet says, watching my face intently.

"Yeah, well you do realize she and Cassie aren't…weren't just friends, right?"

"Yeah," Janet raises an eyebrow. "Past tense?"

"She kissed me. Ravyn did."

Brown eyes wide with shock. "Kissed you?"

I nod slowly. "Full on the lips and Cassie saw…dear God…"

Janet sighs, tossing her bag to the floor and running her hands through her hair. "Where's Cass?"

"She's in her room," I'm sitting up, sliding off the couch. "You go talk to her, I'll make dinner." Janet starts to argue with me but one pleading look and she stops, bowing her head in resignation and turning to head up stairs.

Dinner is silent and almost painful. Cassie refuses to look at me. When she's done eating she stands up and tells us forcefully that she doesn't want to talk to anyone then heads up to her room. It's probably good for her to shut out the world for a while.

Janet and I retreat to the living room, sitting on the couch with an invisible barrier between us. Janet looks tired and stressed. I want so bad just to reach out and touch her, to comfort her even though I know it's me who needs the comforting.

"I'm sorry this happened, Sam," she says finally.

"They're teenagers." I reply and run my tongue over my lips. "I just want to know why Ravyn did it…"

"…Because she thinks you're hot."

Janet and I both look over. Cassie's walked in and is standing there forlornly, already changed into her blue pajamas. She walks over and sits between us on the couch, breaking the invisible barrier.

"She what?" I turn so I'm facing Cassie.

"She. Thinks. You're. Hot." Cassie sounds out each word carefully. "Ever since she met you she's been going on about you. I told her you have a boyfriend but…" The girl's expression darkens. "I should have known she was just using me to get to you."

I'm confused now. "I'm almost twice her age!"

"You think she cares?! You think she cares about _anything_? You're gorgeous, Sam, and smart and funny…how could anyone not be attracted to you?"

Janet shoots me a look that this me like a punch in the gut, but I have to ignore it. Just for now. Just while Cassie's calming down.

Then Cassie's throwing her arms around my neck. "I don't blame you, Sam, I'm sorry for hitting you…"

But I wasn't angry at her. So I give her a hug and then Janet gives her a hug and she goes upstairs to bed for real this time.

"What a mess." Janet mumbles, taking my face in her hands and examining my cheek. "What a big, tangled mess."

Spider webs so thick you can't get out. Rabbit holes so big the cat'll climb in and chase you.

"Dean works for the CIA," I hear myself whispering. "He works at the SGC sometimes and never told me…"

"I'm sorry, honey."

I look into Janet's eyes and suddenly want to drown in them. Dean's are liquid chocolate, but Janet's…Janet's are so many things. "Why do you dream about me?" I ask. "Those dreams…why do you have them?"

Janet smiles as she tucks an errant strand of hair behind my ear, her touch gentle, the touch of a doctor. "Because I don't want that to happen…I'm always afraid I'll walk in and find you with someone else…and I don't want that to happen." Her face was all sunshine smiles up until now, where it fades. "It's selfish of me, I know but…"

"And the angel wings?"

"You're my angel." She's gripping my forearm in her delicate fingers. Her hair has slipped out of its pins and hangs loose around her face. "I've always respected and admired you and wanted…and wanted…"

Her cheek fits perfectly in the palm of my hand and I force her to look up at me. "Wanted what?"

"Wanted to be the one loving you," her hand comes up to cover mine. "Wanted to be the one making love to you and waking up with your arms around me, feeling your heart beat and the touch of your lips…"

And then we're falling into each other, wrapping our arms around each other; two people lost in a storm. I close my eyes, noting with some satisfaction how her head fits perfectly under my chin, how her body moulds against mine.

But what do we tell the families?


End file.
